By Nikki Jennings, Resource Coordinator
Did you know that May is National Mental Health Awareness Month?
In this blog, we’ll make space for an ‘elephant in the room’ that many people facing breast cancer and their loved ones experience, but may not talk about… Grief.
When most people hear the word grief, it often comes with heavy connotations about death and dying, which often feels too scary and overwhelming to think about. However, it’s also important to know that you don’t have to be facing the end of life to experience grief in profound, life-changing ways.
Understanding the different types of grief and finding tools to support your mental health can make a world of difference in your outlook on this challenging chapter of life, and we hope these resources will help you feel supported, understood, and empowered.
VBCF’s Resource Coordinator recently joined the RVA Bereavement Coalition, a network of professionals supporting Virginians facing life-altering circumstances and the many forms of grief that can come with them. We are grateful to the coalition partners who shared their insight and expertise for this blog.
What is Grief?
One of our RVA Bereavement Coalition partners, Olga Montgomery with Voyager Counseling, offered a wonderful description that breaks this down for us:
“Grief is the whole-person response to loss. Loss is when something that I knew, wanted, hoped for, and/or had an attachment to is no longer the way I knew it, wanted it, hoped for it, or connected to it. Grief is a noun, and it includes the thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations that come up. Grief is like a feeling: it is spontaneous, it comes up naturally.”
“Grieving is the action of responding to grief. Grieving is what I do in response to my grief experiences. That can range from seeking out support, comforting myself, nurturing myself, to ignoring it, pushing it aside, telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way, and everything beyond and in between. Grieving is my response to loss.”
Different Types of Grief after a Breast Cancer Diagnosis
Loss of Identity
One of the most common things that people who have received a breast cancer diagnosis share is feeling grief over the loss of their identity.
Hearing the words “You have cancer” can feel like life has been turned upside down overnight. You may feel resentment towards your body and be sad or angry that you’re facing treatment. You might have a sense that you’ve lost your “inner compass” and struggle to feel as self-confident as you did before.
These feelings are valid, and you are not alone in experiencing them.
Lost Experiences
When plans are put on hold, and you feel unsure about what your future looks like, it’s not uncommon to find yourself grieving over lost experiences. You didn’t choose this diagnosis, and it can feel so unfair to have to reroute your life in ways you never planned to.
Whether it’s having to miss out on special events during treatment or having to postpone special milestones, give yourself permission to feel those feelings fully. Yes, some people may be in “worse circumstances,” and you may feel guilty for experiencing this roller coaster of emotions.
Know that each person’s situation is unique and deserves the time and space for reflection, acceptance, and support.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief describes the profound emotional challenges we face, such as pain, anxiety, and mourning, as we prepare for a significant loss, like the terminal illness or passing of a loved one.
This type of grief allows us to reflect on missed opportunities, adjust to new roles, and begin navigating life’s changes, all while cherishing the moments we still have together.
Grief Among Loved Ones
Family, spouses & partners, children, and friends… a breast cancer diagnosis has a ripple effect through any community. We often hear from folks who are experiencing anxiety and fear around how to navigate the grief that’s affecting their loved ones.
Whether you are struggling to find a way to share a new diagnosis with them or just trying to find the right support to help them navigate their feelings, it’s important to know that there is help available.
Seek out some guidance, whether it’s an online article or a family therapist who can walk you through it.
Disenfranchised Grief
“Disenfranchised grief” refers to grief stemming from circumstances that often feel misunderstood, leading you to feel guilty or worried that you may be judged for the grief you’re experiencing.
“Disenfranchised grief is not always recognized or supported by society. This can include the loss of an ex-partner, infertility, pregnancy loss, the death of a pet, estrangement, or losses that others minimize or do not fully understand.” – Karla Helbert, LPC, Mandala Yoga Therapeutics
End-of-Life Grief
Although it’s something we all will face one day, it’s hard to find the words to describe how it feels for you or a loved one facing a terminal diagnosis.
Fortunately, more organizations and professionals are helping individuals and families navigate end-of-life experiences with compassion and dignity.
Communities across the globe are seeing an increase in services offered by death doulas, also known as end-of-life doulas. These are non-medical professionals who offer holistic emotional, spiritual, and practical support to individuals and their families approaching death. Their role is to act as a companion to the person, ensuring that their transition is meaningful, dignified, and peaceful.
What are the benefits of seeking support?
“Grief is not a problem to be solved, but it can be challenging to experience. Grief will often change over time, and if I grieve with support and care, grief can often include paradoxical experiences of connecting deeper with others, meaning-making, personal development, gratitude, deepening spiritual practice, and so forth. These are not *solutions* to grief–this is what can happen when we, as human beings who love others, take good care of ourselves in being mortal, together.” – Olga Montgomery, Voyager Counseling
No one should have to grieve alone.
Finding a Patient Navigator, support group (either in person or online), and/or talking with a therapist early on in your breast cancer journey can connect you with others feeling the same way, and help shine some light on your path from others who have gone before you.
There are many different ways to set up a support system and explore what might make you feel better, even if you’re not comfortable with traditional one-on-one therapy or participating in a support group.
“You have the right to feel everything that comes up. There is no wrong way to do this. For some people, community is really important. Find support if you need it. You can benefit from the wisdom of people who have done this before you. Protect your energy from the advice-givers! – Isolation is the enemy! You are doing a thing that others have done. Welcome their wisdom. Find safe places where you are able to feel and express everything without worrying about protecting the people who love you.” – Jennifer Jurlando, Thistle Community Death Care
Resources to Get You Started
“Grief often looks like cooked spaghetti thrown against a wall–it’s neither linear nor neat. The complex and intense emotions can feel overwhelming. We try to sit with it when it knocks, and let it go when it exits…knowing it will be back. — We live in a grief-avoidant society, so finding a provider who can sit with the grief and pain can be extremely beneficial.” – Sarah Mayfield, LPC, What’s Up, Grief?
Get connected with some of our wonderful collaborators from the RVA Bereavement Coalition:
- H4TG Counseling – This is a new pilot program from our friends at Here for the Girls! H4TG Counseling provides trauma-informed collaborative services to those individuals experiencing mental health symptoms in response to a cancer diagnosis, including, but not limited to, trauma, grief, loss, mild to moderate depression, anxiety, stress management, relationship issues, and life transitions.
- Voyager Counseling – Olga Montgomery, LCSW, CAGCS, offers free women’s support groups, individual therapy for women, focused couples & family therapy, for people navigating life-altering loss and life-altering illness. Visit the website to register for support groups, read more about services, and connect directly for a free and friendly introductory call.
- Thistle Community Death Care – Community education, ritual planning, death doula services, and grief support, with ongoing events throughout the year.
- Swann’s End Flowers – Rachael is a social worker, end-of-life advocate, death doula, and the owner of a small flower farm in Powhatan, Virginia. She uses her unique experience to host workshops that help process grief in a positive way and create arrangements that reflect each unique experience in a meaningful, creative, and eco-conscious way.
- What’s Up, Grief? – Sarah Mayfield, LPC, offers individual counseling, support groups, and connection opportunities for youth and adult grievers. In-person and virtual appointments available.
- Mandala Yoga Therapeutics – Karla Helbert, LPC – Karla Helbert is a licensed professional counselor, certified yoga therapist, meditation teacher, and grief specialist who supports individuals and families navigating grief, trauma, illness, and life transitions. She specializes in traumatic grief, including the loss of loved ones to cancer and other complex medical experiences, and offers a compassionate, integrative approach that blends psychotherapy, somatic and mindfulness-based practices, yoga therapy, guided meditation, hypnotherapy, and energy-based healing modalities. Services are available for adults, teens, caregivers, and bereaved family members in both individual and group settings, with a focus on nervous system support, meaning-making, emotional healing, and ongoing connection after loss.
More Grief & Bereavement Resources
- ‘Beyond the Ribbon’ Blog: How Patient Navigators Can Help You on Your Journey
- Find a Support Group
- Talk to a Therapist
- NAMI – The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. They offer a wide variety of programs and services to support anyone dealing with mental health challenges.
Special thanks to our collaborators for sharing their wisdom & offering their services to those in need:
